Fly
by Saber Wing
Summary: His Gundam's name was Freedom, and yet it was a gilded cage.


_**Author's Note: **_For some reason, I've been really stuck on writing Athrun and Kira angst since last week. I have another oneshot besides this in production, although it's much sadder than this, which is saying something. Ah well. I have a knack for it, or so my friends always tell me :). Random tip: it helps to read your fanfiction aloud to yourself and your friends. Easier to catch more mistakes that way.

You know, for someone who loves Athrun and Kira so much, I sure do torture them a lot ;_;

Disclaimer, I don't own this, blah, blah, blah. This is my 50th publication on this website, it's getting extremely redundant.

_**Fly**_

_**By: Angel Wings-008**_

Kira wondered what it was like to be a bird.

He knew that theoretically, he already did know. Somewhat, anyhow. He was the pilot of a giant, metal, humanoid one, after all. Kira Yamato, that was his name all right. Yes, _that _child. The infamous coordinator who took control of an Earth Forces mobile suit, then somehow got his hands on one from ZAFT after he miraculously came back from the dead. He heard the way people liked to talk about him. Strong. Smart. _Miraculous._ Scary. So skilled, it was almost uncanny, the things he could accomplish on the battlefield, and off it for that matter.

_...only viable child it ever produced..._

_...highest priority target of Blue Cosmos..._

_...the dream of humanity. The Ultimate Coordinator!_

Trembling, he crept forward to rest his forehead against the view-port, hands sweaty and shaking where he placed them upon the cold glass. Somewhere far away, he heard Birdy twittering to itself, but he was too distressed to think about that. Lacus had tried to make him feel better, and he was beyond touched that she stayed so loyally by his side, but this was too much to overcome. It was just _too much _for him to handle all by himself. Kira knew his friends meant well, but ultimately, he still felt unbearably alone.

_...for you are born, and that gives you the right to exist._

For once, Lacus was wrong. Why did being born give him rights to anything at all? He certainly didn't feel as if the world belonged to him, and there was _no way_ he belonged to the world. If everything Le Creuset said was true, he was the _stigma _that was destroying the universe from the inside out.

Would his sins all be forgiven if he took care of that himself? It wasn't too late. He had a choice on whether or not he wanted to continue living this meager existence, or not. Wouldn't everyone have been _much _better off if he'd never been born? If he'd died within the confines of that cold artificial womb, never to know love or warmth of any kind? Dr. Hibiki had succeeded on bringing him into this world, but Kira had the power to take himself out.

As the minutes rolled by, the idea was starting to look more and more appealing.

Kira wanted to know. He _needed _to know. What was it like to be truly weightless? To fly high, like the birds he had always envied? To feel the wind in your face, let yourself go and just free-fall through the endless sky? No war, no pain, no fear, no shame. Nothing but the feathers on your back and the life you wished to live. To be free. He wanted it. He wanted it _so bad, _he could feel it like a maggot-infested wound in his side. Infected. Disgusting. A hindrance, and a torturous reminder of what he could never have. The blessing he would never know, and also his curse because of it.

His Gundam's name was _Freedom, _and yet it was a gilded cage.

Okay, so Kira could never really fly, no matter how badly he wished to. Even coordinators couldn't do that, and he had to learn to accept it. But maybe he could fall. Maybe. Just maybe. That would be nice too, wouldn't it? He was standing at the view-port that looked out over the hanger of the _Eternal, _and he could see the _Justice_ and the _Freedom_ where they sat in all of their gleaming red and blue splendor. This section was a window that opened. All he had to do was pull the latch, and it would all be over. He would fall too far, even for his cursed coordinator blood to save him.

_That's right, Kira. Aren't you tired of fighting? Aren't you tired of acting so strong when all you feel like doing is curling up on the floor to die, like a dog? Lift your right arm, and grasp that latch like a lifeline. Pull it._

_Pull it. Pull it, you idiot!_ All he had to do was pull it, and then he could rest. Tremors wracked his frame as he stood there, the latch to a window that would send him crashing fifty stories down gripped within his white-knuckled hand.

So immersed was he inside of his own mind, he didn't hear the footsteps approaching behind him. He didn't even notice as Birdy landed on his left shoulder, nudging a tear-stained cheek.

"Kira?"

He froze. That was Athrun's voice. When had he gotten here?_!_

The young coordinator didn't have time to make a single move, before his best friend understood exactly what was going on.

"W-Wait, what are you doing?_!_ Kira, stop it!" All of a sudden, the hand that had been gripping the latch was grasped within one of Athrun's, securely, in a hold that was far too tight for Kira to even think about struggling against in his current state of mind.

He didn't answer. For some reason, he couldn't seem to find his voice. All he could do was stand there trembling as he lifted his eyes to look at Athrun...only to find that his vision was so blurred, he could no longer see a thing. Damn it. Crying again. Whatever happened to the vow he'd made to himself? He'd sworn. He'd _sworn _he would never cry again, and now he was breaking that promise not once, but twice within one day. It was just...he felt so lost now. Scared, like a little kid who got separated from his parents in a huge department store. Which way was out? What was he going to do?

He couldn't give up and die, but he couldn't go on either. Truth be told, he was freaking even _himself _out, for as much as he had been through, he'd never thought of suicide before. So what was Athrun feeling like, seeing Kira this way? Once again, he hung his head as the tears drained from his eyes, attempting to gain some sort of control back. He wanted to tell him he was fine. Absolutely, positively fine. He was just trying to see how far down the ground was from here, that was all.

"I-I...I wanted...I was trying to.." His voice sounded wrong; tiny, weak...sad. Kira didn't even recognize himself when he was like this, but he couldn't stop. Damn it, _he couldn't stop._

Athrun placed a finger under his chin and physically forced his head up, and when Kira submitted and turned to him, he could have sworn that those deep green eyes were shining like emeralds, overflowing with tears akin to his own. Who was he fooling? Any lie he concocted now would just sound stupid, and they would both know he was kidding himself. Besides, Athrun was his best friend. His _brother_. They had always told each other nothing but the truth. He'd just gotten him back. He didn't wanna push him away again. His legs were weak, his stomach was sick, and he felt more alone than ever. Kira knew he shouldn't rely on other people, but he needed him.

But what could he say? How could he hope to explain something like this? Was there anyone who would _ever _understand? How-

The other coordinator shook his head, grasped him by both shoulders to keep him from dropping to his knees. Almost as if he knew what Kira wanted to say. As if he understood. They stood stark still for a moment, and he was stricken by how old and tired Athrun looked just then. Were they the same? Did Kira really look so ancient? Of course...of course he did.

Still, Athrun gazed at him, but didn't say a word. He simply wrapped his arms around him, and pulled him into a hug. Kira was more than happy to oblige. His best friend had never been much for physical affection, but when he did show it, he made it count.

This time was the same, and ultimately, it was also his undoing. He could feel himself sobbing in earnest now, clutching desperately at the front of Athrun's shirt as if it were a raft within the deepest, darkest river. Resisting was futile, even though he was disgusted with himself for it. What could he do but give in at this point? The front of his friend's shirt was already soaked.

"I'm sick of it, Athrun. I'm sick of _all _of it. When does it end? When do I get to stop being the strong one all the time? I don't wanna fight anymore. I don't wanna be p-perfect."

"Kira..."

"I just wanna be me again. Can I still have that? I-I don't know. I don't know anymore. Who am I, anyway? Ultimate Coordinator...what does that mean? Who am I supposed to _be_?_!"_

Athrun broke apart from him and grabbed him by both shoulders, shaking him where he stood. He seemed so impassioned now, he almost looked angry, and Kira was stricken into silence.

"Just because you're finding all of this out about yourself, doesn't mean it really changes anything. Kira, I know you better than anyone, and this...suicide? That isn't who you are, you know that! Don't let this 'Ultimate Coordinator' business change you. Please...war is like this, I know. It _does _change people. It changed me too. Do you think I haven't wanted to do the same thing you were two seconds away from doing just now? Do you think I didn't contemplate dying in that explosion, together with you? To this day, I don't know what possessed me to eject. I was tired of it, too. My plan was to self-destruct along with the Strike and the Aegis! Why not? Who would miss me? Certainly not Patrick Zala, or the best friend I had just _murdered!_"

Athrun was crying again, nearly sobbing this time as Kira gasped in horror of what he had just learned. Was all of that true? The former ZAFT pilot had his arms wrapped protectively around his stomach, and in that moment, he truly saw it. Athrun...he felt just as alone as Kira did. And that, more than anything else, was what he hated. No one else should feel this way, especially not him.

This time, he was the first to embrace his friend, and Athrun clutched onto him just as fiercely as Kira had only moments before. Perhaps they could hold each other up if they tried. Maybe...they could be each other's wings. They could do that, couldn't they?

"You're still smart, and yet, you never think things through. You're still a sentimental crybaby who follows his heart. You're still kind, and compassionate, and so gentle it makes me crazy. You're still my best friend, and you know what? That's more than enough for me. So please, d-don't give up. Don't leave me alone here...my father already h-hates me. You're the only family I have left..."

"I'm sorry...I won't, I'm sorry."

They just stood there holding each other, Kira struggling to pull it together, because Athrun wouldn't stop crying. And as he stroked his hair and whispered to him, telling him that he was sorry, that he would fight, that he was going to be all right now...it really hit him. Everyone else was feeling as desolate as he was. Lacus had lost everything she had ever known when she and her father had decided to rebel. Cagalli had as well, along with the battle of Onogoro. Mir was still grieving about Tolle, as was Sai, he was sure. Countless people, all with countless different problems to handle for themselves.

Kira was terribly selfish, wasn't he? They didn't want to fight either, and yet they did every day. Perhaps not always in a mobile suit like he did, but they fought all the same. Who did he think he was, believing that he was the only one suffering? He'd said it himself. If you did nothing because you thought it wouldn't help, you'd end up doing less than nothing. Now here he was, giving up because he thought he couldn't take it anymore? That wasn't right. He couldn't do that. Giving up...

_Giving up isn't who I am._ Kira realized that once again. Ultimate Coordinator be damned, his genetic make-up didn't decide that for him. Someday...someday, Kira would know what it meant to be free. He would know what it meant to be that bird, gliding through the air without a care in the world. He would know what it was to be weightless, an ally of the skies. Nothing more, nothing less. He would keep trying, no matter how unlikely his dreams.

That was a goal worth fighting for, even if he had to tear himself apart in the process. He would piece everything back together and move on. Each and every time. As many times as it took, because that was what he stood for. Kira could do that, for himself, and the friends he had nearly left behind.

For in the end, no matter what...all everyone really wanted was to fly.


End file.
